


finders keepers, losers weepers

by darkrosemind



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Halloween, Halloween heist, Heist, M/M, Peraltiago, amy&rosa&gina, dianetti, doug judy makes an appearance, friendships, holt&terry, jake&charles, mlep(clay)nos also makes an appearance, rivalries and friendships, teams:, the nine-nine - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 11:17:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16474535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkrosemind/pseuds/darkrosemind
Summary: As well known, the Nine-Nine has a tradition to uphold every year. Read: the annual Halloween Heist. Everyone's been planning for ages for the Halloween Heist, and the excitement rises in the air, because the day is finally here. Everyone is also certain that the win is theirs this year, but one thing stands: Only one team can be crowned as best human slash genius.Happy Halloween, and let the heist begin.





	finders keepers, losers weepers

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Emperor's New Clothes by Panic! at the Disco.
> 
> I put in a lot of work into this fic, and I hope that you enjoy it! Also, huge thanks to my friend A for proofreading this!
> 
> Happy Halloween!

**12:00 AM, October 31, The Bullpen, Object of Heist Unnamed**

"H-h-heist time!" Jake calls. It's officially 12:00 AM of October 31, and he rolls out from under his desk fully dressed and tangled up in a red blanket. Jake quickly stands up and kicks the blanket and his pillow back under his desk. A light quickly flickers on in Captain Holt's office, right as the elevator door opens to reveal Amy Santiago-Peralta. She is in her sergeant's uniform, and she sends an evil smile towards Jake.

Jake immaturely sticks his tongue out at her. He swivels around and looks towards Captain Holt's office. He is sitting at his desk, glancing at Jake as well. Jake glares right back at both of them, and Amy quickly steps out of the elevator before it closes.

Suddenly, there is a loud thumping sound coming from the ceiling. Part of the ceiling pops open and out tumbles a ruffled -looking Charles Boyle.

"Guys! You're here! I'm on team Jake!" he says ecstatically, brushing what looks to be chicken feathers off of his shirt.

As Charles stands up, loud music ripples through the bullpen and reveals Gina Linetti, all wrapped up in her unicorn blanket. Except that she's not alone under the blanket.

A mess of curly black hair pops up and Rosa Diaz scowls at her coworkers. Gina shrugs the blanket off of them. "We're gonna win, bitches, so don't even think about―"

"Winning? That's my specialty," Terry Jeffords grins. He's wearing sweatpants and a white tank top, and he has emerged from a supply closet.

"Is _everyone_ here? Staying in the bullpen overnight was _my_ idea. I waited until you all left!" Jake whines. "I mean, at least Hitchcock and Scully actually went home."

"Actually, no. They're in the break room. Sleeping," Rosa says, and Jake frowns.

"Damnit! I thought I could count on those two, for once," Jake says. "Come on! None of you guys actually even went home?"

"I went home," Amy says. "Just to confirm that you weren't coming home."

"Yeah, okay, Ames. Why are you in your uniform? I mean, don't get me wrong; you look the hottest in it, but why?" Jake asks.

Amy shrugs. "I felt like it. Gonna carry out this heist in _style,"_ she says, rolling out the y. Amy unconsciously brushes off the sides of her uniform, and catches Jake staring. She rolls her eyes at him.

Jake quickly turns away and pulls half of a crushed bagel out of his pockets. "Well, at least I brought breakfast. Does anyone have any cream cheese? Or nutella?" Jake says, biting into his bagel.

"I brought breakfast too!" Charles exclaims. He scrambles to his desk and pulls out a large lunchbox. "Caviar and salmon pancakes, pigeon feet with bacon―"

Gina wrinkles her nose. "Please, do _not_ eat any of that in front of us. Anyways, what are we gonna steal this year?"

Right on cue, Captain Holt emerges from his office, carrying a badge. "This is Sergeant Jefford's badge."

Terry's jaw drops as he glares at Captain Holt. "My badge! How'd you get that!"

"A heist master never reveals his secrets," Captain Holt says mysteriously. "Anyways, the objective of this year's heist is so steal Sergeant Jefford's badge. We do have some ground rules now, though. No one is allowed to put a tracker on the object of the heist. No one is allowed to put a tracker on each other. No cheating."

"Sir, what exactly do you mean by _cheating_?" Jake asks.

"I don't care, Peralta, just _no cheating_ ," Captain Holt says. "Now, Sergeant Jefford's badge will be put right here, in the middle of the bullpen." Captain Holt walks to the center of the bullpen, where a stand has already been set up. "Also, another rule that I had forgot to mention― You are not allowed to steal the badge and drive it to Kansas."

"Damn it!" Rosa says. "How'd you know?"

"You are not very good at hiding your notepads," Captain Holt tells her. Rosa rolls her eyes.

"Whatever. I'll drive it to Texas instead," Rosa mutters quietly under her breath, so that no one is able to hear her. She shoved her hands deep into the pockets of her leather jacket.

"Don't worry. I have a better plan," Gina says to her, and kisses her on the cheek. Rosa's face softens and she gazes at Gina, until they both catch sight of Terry's eyes nearly popping out of their sockets. Rosa glares at him. Terry puts two thumbs up and smiles joyfully at her.

"Teams!" Jake says. "Charles, you're with me. And if you _dare_ give away my plan, then I will become best friends with Doug Judy forever and ever," Jake threatens.

"Sergeant Jeffords. I choose you for my team," Captain Holt says. Terry nods and goes to stand by Captain Holt's side.

"Well, I choose Rosa and Gina!" Amy yelps quickly.

"Not fair! I wanted Gina!" Jake complains. "You can't do that!"

"Yes she can," Gina says, examining a sharp purple nail. "Rosa and I come as a set. You can't separate us."

Rosa scowls, but she doesn't move to deny Gina's claim. They both walk over to stand by Amy.

"What about us? The numbers are uneven," Jake complains loudly.

"You guys can have Hitchcock and Scully," Rosa says. "Hitchcock! Scully! Wake. Up." Rosa calls, and a minute later, they stumble out of the breakroom, rubbing their eyes.

"Ugh, fine," Jake says. "Scully, you're on my team."

Captain Holt wrinkles his nose. "Hitchcock, you are the only one left, so I suppose that you are on my team," he says. Terry is vigorously shaking his head and mouthing the words _no no no no no._

"Let the heist begin!" Jake calls enthusiastically as soon as Terry's badge is in its place a the center of the bullpen.

"Can Scully and I go back to sleep? If we don't get seventeen hours of sleep, then―"

"I don't wanna hear it, Hitchcock. We're going to win this heist," Terry says.

"Aw, man," Hitchcock scowls. He looks sadly towards Scully, who shrugs.

"Okay, back to work, everyone!" Captain Holt calls. "This precinct is not going to run itself."

"You got it, Cap'n," Jake says, pulling Charles along with him. Charles waves enthusiastically to Amy, who aggressively pulls both Rosa and Gina by their arms to a storage room.

**12:16 AM, October 31,  The Storage Room With That Blue Couch, Object of Heist in Bullpen**

"No, no, no! What are you doing, Amy! This place is probably _bugged!_ This isn't where we should meet to talk about our secret plan! Someone will figure out what we're going to do!" Gina scolds.

"Yeah," Rosa says, "Gina's right. Jake or the Captain or someone is probably listening to us _right_ now," Rosa says, pulling out her phone. She quickly types something into the notepad app, and shows it to Amy and Gina, who nod.

**12:17 AM, October 31, Captain Holt's Office, Object of Heist in Bullpen**

Meanwhile, Captain Holt and Terry both meet in the Captain's office with all of the blinds down. Hitchcock has passed out on the couch in Holt's office, and Holt eyes him with contempt.

"Sergeant Jeffords."

"Captain Holt."

"We play to win," Captain Holt dictates.

"I agree, sir," Terry says. "Also, I can't afford to lose my badge. I need that thing."

"Ah, yes. It may be tossed around from team to team if we do not get to it first. Which is why we are going to get to it first. Do you have a plan, Sergeant?" Holt asks, looking at Terry in the eye.

"Uh, no? Terry hasn't had much time― or sleep― to think of a plan," Terry says with uncertainty.

"I thought so. Which is why I have been planning this heist since the second heist that ever took place in this precinct. I've been planning next year's heist for even longer, but right now we must focus on today." Captain Holt grabs a binder from the shelf behind him and flips it open. "I have _everything_ in this binder right here," he says.

"Sir," Terry says, looking down at the binder. Captain Holt follows his gaze down to the binder. It is empty, except for a button. The button is black and purple with white letters on it. It says, TEAM SANTIAGO 2K18 on it in bold letters.

" _Santiago_ ," Captain Holt hisses. "She's played me as well as Joanna Newsom plays the harp."

Terry looks at Captain Holt in confusion. "Um, anyways, what do we do now?"

"We may not have any intel on Santiago's team, but we sure do have some good stuff on Peralta," Captain Holt says.

"Uh, sir, they're _both_ called Peralta's," Terry says. "They got married, remember?"

"Yes, yes, but how will you know who I am referring to when I say Peralta?" Captain Holt reasons.

"Good point."

**12:22 AM, October 31, The Bullpen, Object of Heist in Bullpen**

Two minutes later, Jake wheels his chair over to Charles's desk. "Dude. We _have_ to win this," Jake says.

"And I agree with you totally, Jakey!" Charles says, munching on a strange looking snack that Jake would rather not ask about. "Anyways, Jake, I've been planning this for a month now. I've actually been planning out all of my future Halloween costumes since I was ten years old―"  

"Buddy, buddy. I've been planning this heist for like the last two _years._ And let me tell you, I've got some _very_ good stuff," Jake begins. Charles looks on eagerly as Jake leans in closer. "So, what I know, is that Amy's team knows what Holt's going to be up to. Holt's going to find out that Amy knows, and he's going to proceed to do exactly what he thinks Amy thinks he's _not_ going to do. You following along?"

"Yup," Charles says. "Would you like an oyster leg?"

"Gah, no! Anyways, the thing is, that Amy _knows_ that he's going to do that. She knows Captain Holt _very_ well. Maybe even better than Kevin. Augh, no, scratch that, she probably _doesn't_ know Holt better than Kevin. Which brings us to our next step―"

**12:30 AM, October 31, Babylon, Object of Heist in Bullpen**

Gina sniffs a rose-scented candle and then lights it with a pocket lighter that she apparently keeps on the windowsill of the secret bathroom.

"Rose-scented candles?" Amy asks in disbelief, looking at Rosa. Rosa shrugs, inhaling the air.

"It was Gina's idea."

"Because they remind me of Diaz," Gina says, standing up. "Anyways, what's the plan here? Rosa and I were thinking that we would just take the badge, run, get onto her bike, and ride to Kansas," Gina pitches.

"Gina, that's against the rules," Amy says. Besides, I've been working on this _forever._ I know what's going to happen. It's actually pretty simple, you see."

"Then do tell, Amy," Rosa says. "What's going to happen?"

"Well, you know how I'm always talking about binders?" Amy asks, twirling a lock of hair around her fingers.

Rosa snorts. "You're _always_ talking about binders."

Amy pulls out a thick maroon binder from behind her. Rosa's jaw drops open.

"Where the hell did _that_ come from? I know you're obsessed with binders, but you literally did not have one like two seconds ago. Where do you keep them?"

"In your bra," Gina snorts. She is still turned away from Rosa and Amy.

"I stole it," Amy says breathlessly. Gina turns around and gapes at her.

"You, _Amy Boring Pantsuits Santiago-Peralta,_ stole something? This is something new. Oh my gosh, this is going to make headlines!" Gina trills.

"It's not like I stole it from a stationary store or anything," Amy snaps. "It's Holt's. Since I've always talked about binders, he's started to organize stuff like me. In binders. And I just happen to know that he's been working on this one for a very long time, and it's all about this year's Halloween Heist."

"That's even better! Holt is like your _idol,_ and you stole from him! Oh, this is some scalding-hot tea!" Gina cackles, dropping the small lighter back onto the windowsill.

Rosa stares at the binder."Oh, my god, Santiago, you have outdone yourself."

"But, like, won't Holt notice that it's missing?" Gina asks.

"Well, not at first he won't. I've bought a replica binder and put it in this binder's spot. Remember the button maker that you got me one time, Rosa? I made some kick-ass buttons from it." Amy pulls out a bunch of pins from her pockets. They're black, which white letters outlined in purple.

"Team Santiago 2k18. Nice," Rosa comments, taking one.

"Why isn't it like, Team Linetti 2k Gay Teen?" Gina asks. Amy shrugs, and hands one to Gina, who pins it onto her hip. Rosa puts hers on her left arm, and Amy pins hers to her collar. Amy puts her hand out, and Rosa and Gina stack their hands on top.

"Team Santiago 2k―"

"Gay Teen!" Gina cuts in, and Rosa laughs. "Let's do this, team. Actually, what's next?" Gina asks, with a surprising amount of interest, at least, for Gina Linetti.

"I put a button in Holt's binder, so he'll know it's me. And basically, he'll know that I've got his binder and his plan, so what he's going to do is obviously the _opposite_ of what he's got planned. But I know that, and I am so prepared for that." Amy puts a hand on her own button, wearing the proudest Santiago smile that she's ever worn. "You have out _done_ yourself, Amy," she says to herself.

**12:45 AM, October 31, Captain Holt's Office, Object of Heist in Bullpen**

"So, Jeffords, we must have to do something _irrational._ Something that Santiago would never expect. She is the real enemy right now," Captain Holt says.

"What about Jake and Charles?" Terry asks. Holt waves his hand.

"We'll see. I'm sure Peralta has got something up his sleeve. More specifically, he's going to use a fire extinguisher to distract us and get the badge. Except, he won't be able to if _we_ get it first," Captain Holt says.

"How didya know that?" Terry asks in astonishments

"It has taken me only five and a half months to plant the idea in his head, but it is there all right, Sergeant. So the next thing that we are going to do is _get_ this badge."

"I like this plan," Terry says. "So, how are we gonna grab my badge? Distraction?"

"No. I grab it. I run. You, Sergeant, carry me, and we're going to hide it where it's safe."

"It's like one in the morning. Captain, are you thinking this through?" Terry asks.

"Of course not! Thinking it through is what Santiago _wants!_ We can't give her what she wants. Not _again,_ " Captain Holt says.

 _"Aaand,_ title of your sex tape!" Jake's voice echoes through the room.

"Peralta? Where are you? Are you in my ceiling?" Captain Holt says warily.

"Nope! I'm in the bullpen!" Jake's voice calls. Terry gestures to Captain Holt's laptop. Holt suddenly realizes what is going on.

"Peralta, you _sick_ son of a bitch," he mutters, and picks of his laptop, throwing it against the opposite wall as hard as as he can. It smashes and clutters onto the floor in a jumble of pieces. "Take that, son."

**1:00 AM, October 31, The Bullpen, Object of Heist is…  I Don't Even Know**

" _Now,_ Charles!" Jake calls. Charles presses the button on some sort of remote, and suddenly, many, many fire extinguishers all go off at once, concealing the badge from sight. Jake dashes off towards it.

"Not on my watch, Peralta!" Captain Holt roars, and leaps at Jake. Team Santiago 2k Gay Teen leaps to their feet in surprise.

"Rosa! Rosa, _go!_ " Amy says, shoving Rosa into the confusion. Rosa runs towards Jake, effectively tackling him to the floor. Captain Holt swivels into both of them, and the three crash onto the floor.

"Aw, no, Rosa! You have most definitely ruined my plan! What am I going to do now?" Jake says haughtily, wiping fire extinguisher gunk from his face.

"Peralta, you _monster_ . Where's Boyle?" Rosa shouts, and Amy spot him quickly slipping inside of the elevator. "Stairs, Santiago, take the _stairs!_ " Rosa screams. Amy comes to her senses and turns quickly, running down the stairs as quickly as she can.

Rosa looks down to see Jake grinning underneath her. He pushes her off and stands up, wiping his jeans off. Rosa groans.

"This was my _good_ leather jacket. You're gonna pay for this, Jake," Rosa says.

"No, I'm not. I'm gonna win. You guys aren't!" Jake says cheerfully.

Rosa rolls her eyes. "No, I mean that you're actually gonna pay for a visit to the dry-cleaner's," Rosa says, punching him in the arm.

"Oh. Okay, then."

"Move," Rosa says, pushing him away. She stands up and runs to the stairs, catching a glimpse of Terry bounding down the stairs. "Terry!" Rosa screams, and jumps. A split second later, she lands on his back, and Terry shouts.

"Diaz! I am your superior officer! You can't just―"

"Detective Diaz, I am your superior officer. Bone. I've heard it all, Jeffords," Rosa says monotonously.  What are you and Holt planning!" Rosa holds onto Terry's shoulders as he vigorously tries to shake her off.

"Nothin'! We're not planning anything. What are _you_ planning, Diaz?"

"I'm here!" A voice calls out. Gina Linetti appears in front of them, and points to Amy, who has tackled Charles to the ground and is valiantly trying to grab the badge.

"Where did Gina come from?" Terry mutters.

" _Magic,"_ Gina whispers. They all snap their attention back to Amy, who has let out a shout.

She manages to pry the badge out of Charles's sweaty fingers. Amy struggles to her feet and barely has a split second to start on her victory dance, before Charles tries pulling Amy back down and onto the floor.

"Rosa!" Amy screams, preparing to launch the badge in the air. Rosa leaps to catch it as soon as it leaves Amy's hands, but the badge swivels in the other direction and towards Gina. Gina fumbles with it for a moment before grasping onto it tightly.

"Snake eyes! Terry _hates_ snake eyes!" Terry says furiously.

"Run, Gina!" Rosa calls, and Gina sprints with the badge and to her car. It won't unlock, and both Charles and Terry are gaining on her. Rosa's motorcycle is parked right next to Gina's car, so Gina mounts it as soon as Rosa tosses her the keys with a meaningful look.

"Gina, no! You don't know how to―" Terry calls.

"How hard can it be?" Gina calls glamorously,  and the motorcycle whizzes to life. Surprisingly well, Gina rides the bike out of the garage and out into the streets. She disappears from view a moment later, and Charles crumples to the ground, wheezing.

Rosa is still covered in fire extinguisher substance, so she gladly accepts the napkin that Amy offers to her. "How did Gina do that?" Amy asks in astonishment.

"I gave her a few lessons about how to ride a motorcycle," Rosa says. "Also, I know where she'll be, because I have a tracker on my bike. Holt only said no trackers on people, object of heist, blah blah blah," Rosa say, watching Charles and Terry aggressively argue with each other.

"Come on. Let's go," Amy says, and they trudge towards the elevator.

**2:00 AM, October 31, The Bullpen, Object of Heist in the Possession of Gina Linetti**

"Okay, where the hell could Gina be?" both Terry and Jake mutter at their desks at the same time. Charles shrugs from Jake's side of the bullpen. He is currently wearing a costume, and no one can tell who he is.

"Okay, Charles. I give up. Who or what the hell are you?" Jake asks.

"Alain Ducasse! You know, famous French chef? He's so cool. Once, Genevieve went to his restaurant in Paris, and she said it was _awesome._ I'm dying to go," Charles explains.

"Well, what about Gina getting away, huh?" Jake says moodily.

"I didn't even knew that she could ride! That was so cool!"

Jake, Rosa, and Captain Holt have all changed into fresh clothes, and the Captain sits with Terry at Terry's desk. They discuss further plans of what to do, and Amy and Rosa sit atop of Rosa's desk. Rosa looks at her phone, and tilts the screen towards Amy.

"She's at your place?" Amy whispers.

"Ssshh!" Rosa hisses.

"Sorry."

"Let's get out of here," Rosa says. Amy and Rosa both slyly creep out of the bullpen and down the stairs. They take Amy's car, since Rosa's bike has gone with Gina, and head over to Rosa's place.

**2:20 AM, October 31, Rosa's Apartment, Object of Heist in the Possession of Team Santiago 2k Gay Teen**

Gina is there, curled up in Rosa's bed. She is fast asleep, and she clutches Terry's badge to her chest as she sleeps. Rosa creeps over to her quietly, careful not to wake her. She pries the badge from Gina's sleeping fingers, and takes it to her secret safe once she is sure that Amy isn't watching her.

After the badge is safe and secure, Rosa pulls open her closet and tosses a t-shirt to Amy. "Come on. Get out of that, and get some damn sleep. We're all tired."

Amy complies and changes into the pajamas that Rosa has supplied for her. Rosa changes into some more comfortable clothes herself, and is about to flop onto her bed next to Gina, before sitting up.

"Wait," Rosa says, and Amy turns. "We should take turns sleeping. Just in case," Rosa says. "You sleep first."

Amy nods, and heads out of Rosa's room and to her couch. Rosa follows her, sitting down at the kitchen table and pulling out her phone to kill some time. She stares at her pure black lockscreen for a little bit, before drifting off into a mindless sleep.

Rosa isn't exactly a heavy sleeper. But right now, she isn't exactly a _light_ sleeper either, because she's only gotten two hours of sleep before the heist had started, and she's extremely tired. So currently in Rosa's apartment, there isn't a single awake and alert soul.

**3:30 AM, October 31, Outside Of Rosa's Apartment, Object of Heist in the Possession of Team Santiago 2k Gay Teen**

Captain Holt and Terry tiptoe up the fire escape and pause at Rosa's apartment.

"Sir," Terry says in a hushed whisper, "how are we going to get in?"

Captain Holt pulls a small box out of his jacket. "Jeffords, I have broken into Santiago and Peralta's apartment before, and it was a piece of cake. I have got this."

"But Captain, this is _Rosa._ Not even the worst of all criminals can get into Rosa's apartment," Terry says nervously, eyeing the dim light pouring out of one of Rosa's apartment windows.

"The best of detectives can, though. Let me tell you something, Jeffords," Captain Holt says, beginning to work on the door. "Every single Family Game Night that we have had here? I have been studying every corner of Diaz's apartment, and I have every square centimeter mapped out. We are going to _win_ this heist," Captain Holt says. Terry stares at him astonishment, and then looks to the door as a small popping noise occurs.

" _Damn_ , Captain!" Terry says in disbelief. Captain Holt shushes him as he quietly creeps into the apartment, with Terry at his heels. They tiptoe past sleeping Rosa. She stirs for a moment, and both Terry and Holt stop in their tracks. Rosa resumes into her deep slumber, and Captain Holt continues.

They walk past Amy, who doesn't move from her unconscious state. Terry has his phone out to snap a few pictures, and Holt doesn't comment as Terry gleefully captures photographs of the two women. Holt leads Terry to a room down the hallway, and quietly opens the door.

"Gina's on the bed," Terry whispers. Captain Holt doesn't answer, and kneels down to lift up the fur rug that is laid down on the floor. Captain Holt pries a loose floorboard up, revealing a safe. He works on it for a few seconds, until it opens, and he lifts up Terry's badge in victory. It's all that Terry can do to not squeal loudly at their clear win. Captain Holt hands Terry the badge, and Terry stuffs it in his jacket pocket.

Holt pulls another small object out of his pocket and sets it down in the safe. "Two can play at that game," he mutters, and Terry bends down to get a closer look at the object. It is a button, but in white with navy blue letters that say HOLT WINS 2018.

"Nice," Terry says appreciatively, and Captain Holt closes the safe. They creep out of the apartment in the same spirit, making sure to close the back door as they leave victoriously.

**5:00 AM, October 31, Rosa's Apartment, Object of Heist in the Possession of Team Holt Wins 2018**

Rosa wakes up with a start at the table and curses loudly, waking Amy up. Amy's head snaps up and she fumbles for her watch. "It's five o'clock," Rosa tells her. "Damn it, I fell asleep! We have to make sure that Terry's badge is still there," Rosa says, and stands up. Amy wearily follows her into the room where Gina is still asleep. Rosa bends down to open her safe, and curses loudly as soon as she does so.

"What?" Amy asks, walking over. Rosa hands her the button, and Amy's eyes widen. "How _dare-_ I _hate-_ I'm gonna―" Amy stutters, dropping the button. "How did they get in?"

"I don't know," Rosa says gravely. "But how did they crack my safe?"

Amy goes to shake Gina awake. "You can have an autograph later," Gina mumbles sleepily, turning over. Rosa gently pushes Amy away and sits down at Gina's side.

"Gina, _wake_ up. The badge is gone, do you hear me?" Rosa says roughly.

All of a sudden, Gina's eyes flutter open and she dramatically sits up. "Noo! My baby! But we were going to win, Rosie! Who did it? I will have _revenge,"_ Gina seethes. Rosa soothingly puts a hand on Gina's shoulder.

"It was Holt. Holt did it," Amy says.

"I _knew_ it! I always knew that son of a bitch had it in for me," Gina scoffs.

"We're heading back to the precinct. Gina, you're with my on my bike," Rosa orders, and the team scrambles to their vehicles.

**5:20 AM, October 31, The Bullpen, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Holt Wins 2018**

"Okay. Where's Holt," Rosa says loudly, rudely waking up Jake and Charles, who have been asleep at their desks for a while.

"Why you looking for Holt?" Jake slurs sleepily. "Don't you have the― urgh― badge?"

Rosa spots a flash of movement in Captain Holt's office. The blinds are down, and she marches over to the office with Amy and Gina at her heels. Rosa vigorously tries the doorknob, but it is locked. In a fit of anger, Rosa lifts her leg and kicks, effectively breaking the knob off.

Amy watches this unfold in blatant shock. "Oh my god, Rosa, you just―"

Rosa ignored her and pushes her way into the office. She looks around wildly, before spotting a man sitting on the couch. "You," Rosa says menacingly, "what did Holt hire you for?"

"Uh, me? I- who's Holt? The police Captain told me to wait here. I'm filing a report," the man stutters.

Rosa snorts. "Yeah, right. What happened? Someone TP your house?" she says sarcastically.

"There were eggs too," the man mutters quietly, as Captain Holt appears in his office.

"Detective Diaz! May I ask why part of the door to my office is _broken_?" Holt says loudly. Rosa spins around, and Amy coughs quietly.

Rosa holds up the button that Holt left at her apartment. "May _I_ ask why this was in my personal safe? How the hell did you even break into my safe? I need answers, and I need them _now,_ " Rosa says harshly.

Captain Holt snorts. "Diaz, your apartment is extremely easy to break into. Perhaps not easier than Peralta and Santiago's apartment, but still, easy. Furthermore, you should be more creative with your passwords. Your safe's password is 'Gina.' I was able to guess it on the first attempt," Captain Holt tells her.

At this point, all three women are staring at Holt with their jaws dropped.

"Your password is me? Aw, Rosa, that's so _cute,"_ Gina cooes.

"Shut up. I'm changing it," Rosa mutters.

"When did you break into _my_ apartment? And why was it _easy_?" Amy splutters.

The corner of Captain Holt's mouth turns up. "Not only was it easy, it _extremely_ easy, Amy. Courtesy of the Dad key that Jake gifted to me last Christmas," Captain Holt says, smiling wickedly.

Amy gasps. " _No!_ You misuse the Dad key!"

"There were no rules that came with they key, Santiago-Peralta. I can do whatever that I would like with it," Captain Holt grins. The amount of time that Captain Holt is holding the smile on his face is really starting to become disturbing.

"As soon as this is over, I'm writing you a list of rules!" Amy promises. Captain Holt merely smirks.

"Where's the badge, Captain?" Rosa demands.

"I cannot tell you that," Captain Holt says, walking to his desk. "Dismissed."

Team Santiago 2k Gay Teen grudgingly walks out of Holt's office. The man sitting on Holt's sofa frowns. "What about me?" he asks in confusion.

Holt nearly rolls his eyes at the man. "You too. Get lost, Jim," Holt says.

"My name is John," the man mutters in offense. He stands up and starts to leave Captain Holt's office.

"Close the door behind you," Captain Holt instructs. John does his best to close the broken door. It swings back open.

**5:35 AM, October 31, Babylon, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Holt Wins 2018**

"Okay, so here's the plan," Amy says. "I know that Jake knows where Holt's keeping the badge, but I don't know where the badge actually is. But Jake's going to get it, and I know where Jake's gonna put it," Amy claims.

"And then we take it from them," Rosa grins.

"I like this plan," Gina murmurs absentmindedly. Her hands are weaving through Rosa's hair, and Amy can't tell it she's braiding Rosa's hair or merely playing with it.

"So when will Jake and Charles go for it?" Rosa asks. Amy shrugs.

"Hold on, let me text him," Amy says, pulling out her phone.

Rosa frowns. "How is that―"

"I'd give it two hours," Amy says. "They're still mastering their plan."

"Did he text you that?" Rosa snorts.

"No. I asked him how he was doing. He replied 'fine.' I'm married to Jake. I can read his even through a five letter text, Rosa," Amy says. Gina smiles approvingly.

**7:45 AM, October 31, Outside of Captain Holt's House, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Holt Wins 2018**

Charles shivers. "It's getting _cold,_ Jake," he says, wrapping his jacket around himself tighter.

"Okay, Charles, you know what you're gonna do, right?" Jake asks quickly.

"Yeah," Charles says.

"Okay, then. Go now, dude. Don't fail me!" Jake calls as Charles darts around to the side of the house. Jake stuffs his hands in his pockets after he rings the doorbell. He waits for a few minutes until Kevin answers the door.

Kevin has hastily pulled a sweater over his pajamas, and he greets Jake at the door. "Peralta," Kevin says, and nods.

"Kevin! We made a deal last week, right?" Jake says.

"Ah, yes. I do recall you saying that you would join my literature class for four months. You also promised me a boxed set of 1800s French poetry," Kevin says. Jake nods.

"Yes, yes, absolutely. I will do _all_ of that. But you, my man, have to keep up your end of the deal too," Jake says, locking eyes with Kevin. Kevin sighs.

"All right, then, Peralta. As long as this keeps Raymond's work life away from us," he says. Kevin pulls out a shining badge and hands it to Jake.

"Oooh! Shiny!" Jake chirps, running his fingers over the smooth badge that he recognizes to be a decoy that Holt had definitely made.

"I polished it," Kevin says. He moves to close the door, but Jake sticks his foot through the crack. Kevin stares at Jake in confusion, pulling the door back open. "What? Our deal has been made, Jake."

"Uh―" Jake quickly thinks of something to say to stall Kevin. "What kind of polish did you use, Kev?"

"First of all, do not call me that. I used―"

Jake stops listening as soon as he hears a distinct 'meow' that he recognizes as Charles's signal. He pats Kevin on the shoulder and backs out of the doorway. "Good talk! Actually, I've got to now! Charles is probably waiting for me. Thanks again, Kev. Gotta go! Bye!" Jake says, pulling the door close from outside of the house. Charles has returned to the car and is sitting in the passenger's seat. Jake gets out of the car and pulls out the car keys.

"Did you get it?" Jake questions with excitement. Charles holds up the real badge in triumph and squeals.

"We did it, Jake! I put in the fake badge! We won! Team Cool Boys Jake and Charles for the win!"

"Actually, we still have like over twelve hours until the heist is officially over. Just gotta keep this baby safe until then," Jake says, opening the glove compartment of his car. He slides the badge in. "Also, cool team name, but only if we can spell 'boys' with a z instead of an s."

"Yes! Yes, absolutely! That is so cool," Charles says ecstatically.

"Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles it is!" Jake announces, and the pair heads back to the precinct with the badge in their possession

**9:45 AM, October 31, Captain Holt's Office, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles**

Captain Holt turns off the phone in satisfaction. "That was my husband," he informs Terry. "A few months ago, Jake made a deal with Kevin, so that Kevin would help him win the heist. Just as I had anticipated, Jake dropped by today for the badge, which I assure you, is still secure in my home. Kevin gave him a decoy badge I had made months ago. Peralta is a _fool,_ thinking my own husband would double-cross me," Captain Holt says.

"Up high, man," Terry says, lifting up his hand for a high-five. Captain Holt stares at him until Terry awkwardly drops his hand back to his side. "What I mean, sir, is that this heist is _ours._ "

"Yes, it is, Sergeant. Yes it is."

**10:30 AM, October 31, The Bullpen, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles**

Amy sidles up to Jake's side. "Hey," she says.

"Is this a trick? Ames, if it's a trick, then I'm not enjoying it. I don't have the badge, okay? And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you," Jake says quickly.

"It's not a trick, Jake," Amy assures him. She leans her head on his shoulder. "It might be Halloween, Jake, but last Sunday was your turn to get the groceries. You forgot." Amy laces her hand with his, tracing her thumb over his palm.

"Damn it! Oh my god, Ames, thank you so much for reminding me. I'll just go and do that right now!" Jake says, kissing Amy on the forehead and bounding towards the elevator. Once he gets down to his car, however, it won't start. Jake notices that the gas tank is empty, and curses loudly. He gets out of the car and locks it, pocketing the keys.

Jake heads back up to the bullpen. "Hey, Ames, I also forgot to fill up my gas tank, so can I take your car?" he asks, keeping a firm fist around his keys.

Amy gives him her car keys and watches as he heads back down to the garage. "Good work, Rosa," she says once Jake is gone. Rosa nods.

"It was easy. He wasn't even suspicious. He thought that not having a full gas tank was because he didn't fill it, not because I drained it," Rosa says. Her clothes smell faintly of gasoline.

"Yeah, maybe you should change so he doesn't _actually_ figure it out. Did Gina get Charles out?" Amy asks.

"Yup." Rosa doesn't give any further details, and Amy doesn't push her for any.

"Great." Amy pulls out her phone. "Judy, come on out. Meet us in the garage."

**Two hours earlier**

Amy speaks into the phone. "Hello, Doug Judy?"

A familiar voice spills out of the other end. "This ain't Doug Judy. He's on a business trip to Santa Maria. Making big loads of cash and selling pop-hit cds. What you want?"

"It's Amy," Amy says, slightly annoyed at Doug Judy's antics.

"Oh, _Amy!_ I can't believe you didn't invite me to your wedding, mija! I could've totally beatboxed!" Doug Judy exclaims.

"Not the time, Judy. You're a pranks kind of dude, right?" Amy says.

"Of course! Don't insult me, Santiago-Peralta. You know, back in Milan, they call me Steve 'Prankster King' Michaels. Of course, that's because I never reveal my real name. You guys know me as Doug―"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I need your help to play a prank on Jake. How fast can you get here?" Amy says.

**10:40 AM, October 31, Garage, Object of Heist in Possession of Jake's Car**

"Oh, Rosa! You never told me that Rosa was going to be here! Sweet Rosa Rosa Rosa! Are you single yet?" Doug Judy sings, puckering his lips up at Rosa.

Gina darkly scowls at him. Doug Judy throws his hands up.

"Okay, okay, okay! I get it. Not single. _Yet,_ " Judy says, winking at Rosa. Rosa imitates Gina's scowl. "Anyways, what have we got here? You want me to break into his car? Cool. But what do I get in return, oh Amy?" Doug Judy asks.

Rosa causally pull a knife out of her boot, twirling it in her fingers.

"Never mind!" Doug Judy says quickly. "I will do it for free because we are pranking Peralta." He sets to work with his toolkit, working at unlocking Jake's car. "This is the easiest car that I've ever had to break into! How many seconds was that?" he asks after the car is open.

"Eight seconds," Gina calls.

Doug Judy frowns. "Not impressive," he mutters. "I gotta work on that."

Amy pushes him out of the way, clambering into the car. She confusedly pulls out two badges from his glove compartment, and holds them both up to Rosa. "One's definitely a decoy, but which one?" Amy mutters to herself, running her hand over both badges.

"That one," Rosa says, pointing to the more dull one. "Sarge polishes his badge three times a year, and the last time he did it was a couple of months ago. The other badge is way more recently polished."

"Oh, you're so smart, Rosa Diaz, will you marry me?" Doug Judy sings in a high pitched tone. Rosa glares at him, knife still in hand, and he raises an eyebrow and shrugs. "It was worth a shot, my love."

"Hey," Gina says menacingly. "Only I get to call her that."

"Whatever, Linetti. I'm hotter than you are," Doug Judy mutters. Gina gasps.

"Oh, you didn't―"

"Stop!" Amy says sternly. "We have the real badge now, so that's that. Let's go, Team Santiago," Amy says slipping the badge into her purse.

"All right! I'm on team Santiago!" Doug Judy says cheerfully.

"Damn it, Judy, you have to lay low. You can come back for the party at the bar, but right now, you gotta lay low so that Peralta doesn't suspect anything. Also, lock his car," Rosa says firmly.

Judy blows her a kiss. "For you, my lady, _anything._ No, seriously, anything you want at all. I mean it. Anything, Rosa. Anything for you."

Rosa rolls her eyes with disgust. "Whatever. Let's go, Team Santiago 2k Gay Teen," she says, leading Amy and Gina towards the elevator.

"Bye!" Doug Judy calls, and scurries the other way.

**1:00 PM, October 31, Outside of the Precinct, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Santiago 2k Gay Teen**

"Doug! Doug Judy!" Jake calls quietly. He is standing in an alleyway at the side of the precinct with Charles. Charles scowls distastefully.

"You invited _that_ moron here? Jake, you know that I don't like him that much! He's a moron!" Charles scowls.

"Chill, Boyle, you haven't even met him before," Jake says.

Charles kicks at a stray pebble. "And that's how you _really_ know that you hate someone. If you hate them even before you've met them. And I hate Doug Judy. That bastard," Charles rants.

"Peralta! Hey, man!" A new voice shouts. Jake and Charles both whip around to see Doug Judy walking towards them. "It's chilly today, ain't it? Can you guess what my costume is, Jake? I'm one of T-Swift's body guards!" Doug Judy exclaims.

Jake's jaw drops open. "Oh my gosh, you look _just_ like the one who kicked me out of that concert! That's awesome, Doug!" Jake says, rushing closer to Doug Judy.

"Didn't know that we were on a first name basis here," Charles mutters, trailing along.

"Did you do what I asked?" Jake says, pulling Doug into a hug. Doug slaps him on the back and Jake jumps.

"Of course I did, man. She got into your car, opened the glove compartment, took one of the badges, and put it into her purse," Doug Judy says.

"Which one did she take?" Jake asks in anticipation. Doug shrugs.

"I think the one that was less shiny."

Jake pumps his fist into the air. "Yes! We did it! Did you hear that, Doug Judy? We did it! We're going to win this hest big time!" Jake jumps into the air, moving his arms and legs around. "Sorry, Amy kinda has that effect on me. Her victory dance is rubbing off on me," Jake says giddily.

"What did you do?" Charles asks eagerly. "I mean, you told me to just trust you, and I do, one hundred percent, but I'm just _itching_ to know what you did," Charles says, sending a mean glare at Doug Judy.

"Well, I dusted up the decoy badge that Kev gave me, and I polished the real badge! And obviously, I know that Rosa knows the Sarge's polishing routine, so she would know that the badge hasn't been polished in a while. So Amy took the dull badge, which is actually the _fake_ badge! I'm a freaking genius!" Jake tells them triumphantly. "Thanks again, Doug."

Doug Judy waves it away. "Oh, anything for my main man," he smiles. "So, tell me, dude, how did Amy even know to call me?"

Jake laughs. "Oh, I started talking about how much I missed you―"

Charles snorts loudly.

"And how we loved to play pranks on each other a few months ago. So you know, she got that all planted in her head during movie night, so then she called you, bro. I planned all of it. It was awesome. I am a genius," Jake declares.

" _We_ love playing pranks on each other, too! Jake! I love playing pranks on you! It's so much fun!" Charles says desperately, a bead of sweat dripping down his forehead. Jake continues on talking to Doug Judy.

"We forgot our handshake, dude!" Doug Judy says. They complete a series of what looks like a game of patty-cake, fistbumps, high-fives, jazz hands, and top it off with a turkey. "Turrr-key!" Doug Judy says. "Well, Jake, m'boy, I'll see you later. Bye for now!" Doug Judy turns the other way and sprints off.

"Man, I hate that guy," Charles mumbles under his breath as Jake grins.

"What was that? Let's head back to the bullpen, Charles," Jake smiles, tugging Charles by the arm and towards the building.

"Why is Jake in love with _him_ and not _me?"_ Charles says to himself as Jake, blissfully unaware, punches in a button in the elevator.

**3:59 PM, October 31, Captain Holt's Office, Object of Heist (Actually) in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles**

"I have called my husband. He has indeed confirmed that the badge is still in place, and there have been no problems with it," Captain Holt tells Terry. They are both interrupted by a loud crunching noise, and turn around to see Hitchcock sitting on Holt's couch, snacking on a bag of chips.

"Hitchcock, can you go do that somewhere else?" Terry says in annoyance. Hitchcock continues to ignore the pair. Holt sighs and turns back to Terry.

"Anyways, I trust that my husband is taking care of the badge. We have got this win in the bag, Sergeant," Captain Holt says. Terry nods joyfully.

**6:37 PM, October 31, Babylon, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles**

Gina quickly walks through the hallways, barely looking up from her cell phone. She looks up once she has reached the secret entrance to Babylon, and quickly enters the secret bathroom. Tema Santiago 2k Gay Teen has taken turns going down to the secret bathroom and checking to see if the badge is safe and secure, and it is currently Gina's turn.

She quickly opens what looks like a ventilation pipe in the side of the wall at one corner of Babylon. The badge is still there, and Gina allows herself to release the dramatic breath that she had been holding in. Gina hurriedly shuts the pipe and heads out of the bathroom to tell the rest of her team that the badge is safe and sound.

**9:07 PM, October 31, The Garage, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles**

Jake quickly gets into his car. "Thanks for bringing gas, Charles," he says.

"No problem, Jake! Anything for you!" Charles chirps as Jake starts his car.

"Quick, check to see if the badge is still there," Jake says, and Charles opens the glove compartment. He pulls out the badge and examines it in the dim light.

"Hmmm, it looks a little bit less shinier than before," Charles says suspiciously. "I didn't waste all that time polishing Sarge's badge for my efforts to go to waste, did I?"

"Aah, Amy must've gotten something on it when she took both of the badges out," Jake asserts. "Let's just get to your place and―" Jake's phone buzzes, and he parks at the shoulder of the road to open up the text he has just received. Charles leans over to see.

"What does it say?"

Jake begins to read it out loud. "It's from Captain Holt. It says, 'Attention, squad, we will meet at Shaw's at midnight to declare the winner of this heist. Be there on time. Sincerely, Raymond Holt.' That's weird. It sounds like he thinks _he's_ going to win," Jake remarks. "But he's wrong. Because Team Cool Boys Jake and Charles is gonna win."

Charles squints his eyes. "We better be cautious, though, just in case. Holt might be planning something, you know. That guy is pretty sneaky."

"We'll be fine," Jake says uncertaintly.

**9:10 PM, October 31, Outside of the Precinct, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles.**

"I have just sent the rest of the squad a text instructing them to meet at Shaws at midnight," Captain Holt says. "And Peralta, as usual, has replied with a string of emojis that are difficult to even look at."

"Maybe you shouldn't have finally gotten emojis on your phone," Terry shrugs. They stand outside of the precinct in the dark, watching costumed people walk up and down the streets. A teenaged boy sits on the curb and takes a swig from a bottle of vodka. Captain Holt sighs.

"Well, Jeffords, duty calls. Young man, you are underaged and therefore should not be consuming alcohol of any type!"

**9:30 PM, October 31, The Rooftop, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles**

Rosa, Amy, and Gina stand together on the rooftop, gazing out to the busy street below them. Gina glances up from her phone. "Well, that's weird. Have any of you looked at your texts recently?" she asks.

Rosa and Amy both shake their head no. Rosa leans closer to Gina to catch a glimpse of what's so 'weird' on her phone. Gina lifts up the phone to show both of the detectives the screen.

"I got this text a while ago; didn't bother to actually open it up until now, but Holt wants everyone to come to Shaw's at midnight. As if _he's_ going to win the heist," Gina says.

"As _if,"_ Rosa snorts.

"Team Santiago 2k Gay Teen is _obviously_ going to win," Amy quips. "We'll just bring the badge to Shaw's at midnight and show everyone that _we_ won," she shrugs. Rosa squints at Gina's phone screen and scrolls down a little bit.

"Jake replied; 'yeah right like you're gonna win it's obvious that team cool boyz jake and charles are gonna win not u' like he thinks that _they're_ going to win," Rosa says.

"Their team name is l- _ame_ ," Gina mutters.

" _So_ lame," Amy agrees.

"We did leave the fake badge in Jake's car. Maybe they think that they have the real one or something," Rosa suggests.

"Maybe. We should go check on the badge, though," Amy says. "Rosa, it's your turn."

**11:30 PM, October 31, Outside of Captain Holt's House, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles**

"That was really great of Kev― I mean, your husband to help us out with the heist," Terry says. Captain Holt pockets the badge with a satisfied look on his face.

"I have been waiting to win this heist for three years," he says, and the pair head to Terry's car. "We still do have about half an hour before midnight, though. Sergeant Jeffords, please drive slowly, as Shaw's is merely twenty minutes away from my home and we must announce ourselves at exactly midnight," Captain Holt instructs.

Terry looks a little befuddled but shrugs. "I'll do my best," he sighs. "Slow driving is _not_ fun for Terry."

**11:43 PM, October 31, Shaw's Bar, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles**

Amy, Rosa, and Gina enter the bar nearly fifteen minutes before midnight. They sit down at an empty table and make no attempts to order anything on account of Amy's rules. Rosa sighs. "Why are we here early, again?" she groans.

"Because we have to be here to announce our victory," Amy says for the fifth time. "If we're here before time, then no one will expect it."

"Um, everyone's going to expect _you_ being here early," Gina says. "You're Amy freaking Santiago-Peralta. Always exactly right on time or early." Gina lifts her hand to flag down a waiter, and Amy slaps it down.

"We're staying sober until we've announced our win, remember?"

Gina rolls her eyes. "Calm down. I'm ordering a water. If I'm not hydrated by the end of each day, then I _break out_ ," Gina shudders. She picks her phone up from the table for the ninth time in a single minute, scrolling through something anxiously and then dropping the phone back down. Two seconds later, she picks it back up, and scrolls through again.

The eleventh time, Amy snatches Gina's phone away. "That is messing with my head. Stop doing it," she says, putting Gina's phone in the middle of the table.

"Hey!" Gina complains, but doesn't move to grab the phone again. Rosa leans over and rests her head on Gina's shoulder, stifling a yawn.

"I've been up since like forever. When will this all be over so that I can get some sleep?" Rosa murmurs, eyes half-closed. "I've literally been through like five different outfits today, and I wanna go home."

"After we win, and everyone says that we're the best human slash geniuses in the world," Amy promises. "Then we can all go home and pass out."

"Good," Gina says, reaching for her phone again. "And Rosa, you're not going home without me."

**11:58 PM, October 31, Shaw's Bar, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles**

Captain Holt and Terry come into Shaw's. "Be subtle. Santiago's team is already here. We don't want them to see us, because we want to make a big announcement about the fact that we have won the heist," Captain Holt says.

"There aren't that many people here," Terry frowns.

"Great! I am able to announce my victory loudly then," Captain Holt says. "There are two minutes until midnight. No doubt Boyle and Peralta will arrive at exactly midnight to announce their false victory," Captain Holt snickers. He looks over to where Amy's team is sitting. "Look at them! They have already accepted their defeat!" Captain Holt says, referring to the fact that all three women are not fully awake.

"Yeah, they do look pretty bummed," Terry says. "We've got this."

**12:00 AM, November 1, Shaw's Bar, Object of Heist in Possession of Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles**

Many things happen at once. A loud alarm goes off at Amy's table, waking the three women. Rosa immediately tosses the badge to Amy, who clambers up on the table and holds it up triumphantly."We won! We won!" she says lously, spotting Captain Holt.

Captain Holt has pulled out their badge, holding it up and staring at Amy in confusion. "No, that can't be correct. Terry and I have won!" he protests.

Taylor Swift's voice bursts out loudly near the entrance of the bar. The door is thrown open and Jake parades in wearing an oversized suit with aviator glasses. Charles trails behind him, carrying a set of speakers. Jake jumps up into the air.

"I know all of you have been waiting for us, and I know that you all know that you have lost…" Jake says loudly.  He quickly thrusts the real badge up into the air. "Guess what, losers! I am the most amazing human slash genius that there is! Take that, wife! Take that, Captain! Boyle and I win!" he laughs.

Charles looks up at Amy and Captain Holt, both confused and holding up their own badges. "Haha!" he laughs. "We got you guys so good. Team Cool Boyz Jake and Charles forever!"

Terry grabs at the badge that Captain Holt is holding in terror. He turns it over in his large hands, and then sighs in defeat. "This ain't mine, Captain. They're right. This isn't my badge. I know my badge like I know the palm of my own hand," Terry says.

Captain Holt gapes. "How can that be? We kept the badge safe! We followed a _plan_!"

Terry walks over to Amy, and snatches the badge out of her hands. He runs his fingers over it and shakes his head. "This isn't mine either," he says. Rosa looks angry, and she scowls. Amy gets off of the table.

"Jake, you―" she starts angrily.

"Won! I won, thank you so much, my dear wife. I love you too," Jake says. "Now say it with me, everyone, Jake Peralta and Charles Boyle are the best―"

Terry has walked over and yanked the badge out of Jake's hands to confirm if the win is really Jake and Charles's. He puts it in his palm skeptically, and frowns. "This is _not_ my badge, either! What the hell did you all do with my badge?!" he says angrily, much to everyone's astonishment.

Jake's jaw drops open. "What do you mean? That's your badge. Charles and I won the heist, and that's your badge. You're probably not thinking right. That's definitely your badge, Sarge," he babbles. "Are you drunk?"

"I know what I said, Jake!" Terry thunders. "That's not my badge!"

"How can that be? Where's the real badge, then?" Amy questions.

"You all better find my badge, or else I will make sure that all of you will never ever enjoy another day at work in your entire lives," Terry threatens. "Man, this might be worse than my favorite mango yogurt getting cancelled!"

Suddenly, winning the Halloween heist doesn't seem very important to anyone.

"Sarge, we'll find your badge," Amy promises. "We just have to retrace all of our steps. I'm sure it'll turn up. I mean, how far could it have gone?" she reasons.

"Damn it, you better be right, Santiago," Terry says menacingly. Amy seems to cower a little bit, until they are all interrupted by the sound of an acoustic guitar filling up the bar.

Jake frowns. "Those are some groovy tunes, but where are they coming from?" he wonders.

**12:06 AM, November 1, Shaw's Bar, Object of Heist Lost**

Mlep(clay)nos enters the bar, guitar slung over one shoulder. He nods his head towards the squad. "Good evening," he says rather stiffly, strumming out a tune.

"Mlepnos?" Jake asks. Mlep(clay)nos keeps a poker face on as he turns to face Jake.

"No. I do not know of whom you speak of," Mlep(clay)nos says quietly. "That is not my name."

Amy stumbles to Jake's side. "Oh, I know you! You're Mlepnos! You played music at Jake and my wedding!" she exclaims.

"No. That was not me," Mlep(clay)nos says again. "My name is not Muh-lep-nose," he sounds out. Mlep(clay)nos  changes up the chords on his guitar and concentrates on the tune that he is currently playing. The entire squad watched Mlep(clay)nos play until the music is interrupted rudely by the sound of someone beatboxing along to the guitar music.

Jake's eyes widen. "Doug Judy! What are you doing here?" he asks. "You told me that you had to back to Greenland! Oh my god, did you _lie_ to me? How _could_ you?" Jake says overdramatically.

"I'm here for your celebration, of course! I helped you win, my dude!" Doug Judy says, clapping Jake on the back. Jake slightly winces, before sighing.

"He didn't win," Terry says, before Jake can say anything.

Doug Judy's brow furrows. "Then who did?"

Terry's shoulders slump. "No one did. The badge is missing," he says. Doug Judy's eyes seem to brighten a little bit. He chuckles loudly, much to everyone's surprise.

**12:10 AM, November 1, Shaw's Bar, Object of Heist Very Close to Being Found**

"SIKE!" Doug Judy rumbles. Amy squints her eyes skeptically at him, and Captain Holt frowns immensely. Jake looks at him in more confusion.

"What do you mean?" Gina says, glaring at Doug Judy. "Also, stop using modern slang. It only looks good when _I_ do it."

"I mean, sike, as in _I win,"_ Doug Judy says, grinning from ear to ear.

"No you don't," Charles says, standing up with newfound courage. "You would need to have the real badge to _win._ Also, you're a loser and no one likes you," he adds stiffly at the end.

"And I have the real badge, little dude," Doug Judy laughs, ruffling Charles's hair. Charles yanks himself away in contempt. Doug Judy pulls out a police badge from inside of his coat, lifting it up for all to see. "See? I win," Doug Judy says triumphantly, drinking in all of the expressions of disbelief on everyone's face. Terry pushes his way to Doug Judy and snatches the badge out of his hand.

"Well, Sarge?" Jake asks.

Terry frowns. "It's mine," he mutters. "This badge is mine. But how did _you_ come to acquire it!"

Doug Judy shrugs. "It was so easy, like, Amy thinks I'm working for her, and Jake thinks that I'm working for him, but like, I'm working for _myself_! L-M-A-O, losers! I am Doug Judy, and I'm gonna rule the world with my hot future girlfriend Rosa!" Doug Judy exclaims joyfully. Rosa scowls darkly.

Jake slaps himself across the cheek. "I am so _stupid,_ " he groans. Nearby, Amy lift her palm to her forehead.

"I am an _idiot!_ " she mutters. Doug Judy looks from Jake to Amy.

"Nice. Now I can see why you two are married You're both so alike!" Doug Judy says, causing everyone to stare at him in disbelief. "Hey, say, Diaz! You wanna get married? We could be grossly cute like these two dorks!" Doug Judy says, nearly dropping onto one knee.

"Go to hell, Judy," Rosa mutters. "I don't do _cute._ "

"Except with me," Gina purrs, tucking an arm around Rosa's waist. Rosa seems to melt into Gina's grip before coughing and standing up straight.

"Well, I know that you guys have a traditional saying whenever someone wins your heists! Now, let me hear you all say it: Doug Judy is the best―" Doug Judy starts, looking pointedly at the Nine-Nine.

The entire squad scowls, but complies, muttering under their breaths. "Doug Judy is the best human slash genius," they whisper. It is barely possible to hear them.

Doug Judy puts one hand up to his ear. "I can't hear you! You especially, Diaz! Speak up, and let's try again," he says, smiling wickedly.

"Doug Judy is the best human slash genius," the squad says, a little bit louder this time.

"Still not hearing you, Diaz!"

"Doug Judy is the best human slash genius!" Rosa yells at him, immensely annoyed.

Judy throws back his head and laughs. "Love you too, Diaz! Anyways, let's _party!_ Drinks are _not_ on me!"

**12:42 AM, November 1, Shaw's Bar, Winner of Heist Declared as Doug Judy, (SURPRISE! i'm sorry i have the worst plot twists. you could see that coming from a mile away), Badge is Now Safely In Terry's Possession**

Half an hour later, everyone from the Nine-Nine is very drunk. Doug Judy and Jake stand in one corner, singing karaoke and dancing. Rosa and Gina are aggressively making out in one corner, and Amy is stumbling towards Jake. It looks as if Amy is on her fifth-drink, because she seems confident as hell and is about to rock the karaoke stage. Captain Holt watches them, cheering as Amy lifts a mic and opens her mouth to sing.

Terry claps ecstatically along to Mlep(clay)nos's continuing guitar music. "Happy Halloween!" he says loudly, downing a shot.

"Actually, it's November 1st now," the bartender interrupts. "Halloween is over."

Drunk! Terry stares at him. "Shut up, Shaw!"

"That's actually not my n―"

"Happy Halloween!" the Nine-Nine shouts.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos are greatly appreciated!  
> follow me on tumblr: @darkrosemind


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